Post SoBe Fest Blues, or How Insulting Lee Klein Always Raises My Spirits...

The SoBe drunkfest broke a lot of hearts, so let's just get to it, and try to move on to bigger and better things, oh my little brothers and sisters. 'Celebri-chefs Talk Favorite Restaurants', says the Miami Herald. Okay. Anthony Bourdain may "prefer San Loco for burritos", but the place has been called 'T-Mex' for a couple of months. Wouldn't expect an out-of-towner to know that, of course, but a local food writer ought to. Was that from an interview, or, as I'm guessing (since there aren't any quotation marks), just something culled from his writings/TV shows? It wouldn't hurt to ask, you know. Incidentally, great photo of Bourdain to lead the article. How did they get a a six-year old copy of 'A Cook's Tour' to stand still for a photo? At least they could have used a more recent book jacket, or, I don't know, maybe an actual photo of the guy. He was JUST HERE. I guess they wanted to make sure they somehow shoehorned in the 'Food Network' logo on the cover.

Speaking of whoring, according to the Herald's Sobe W$FF blogger, the idea of having 'Viva' paper towels at the tasting booths, to wipe your hands, of all things, was so amazing! By the way, Viva Paper Towels was a sponsor, bubba. Yeah, even us uncivilizied gorillas in Miami occasionally use napkins, plates, cutlery, and especially spoons (often to eat) when we're around company.
Then Tyler Florence has this insightful quote:"Casa Tua is one of the sexiest restaurants in the country. It's fantastic." Better than Applebee's? Sexier than a waitress named Merrilee? I guess he means when someone else is paying.
Bobby Flay loves Joe's Stone Crab. Hmmmm. I'm drawing a blank.
Jamie Oliver loves Michael's Genuine. Who exactly is Michael Schwartz sleeping with? 'Nuff said.

Let's move on, to another tutorial from Professor Klein, in the New Times, in which he defines 'fine dining' as something that "once conjured images of elegant salons, white-glove service, and the type of meal you would never, and could never, cook at home." Now I must humbly ask you, gentle reader, What the fuck is this guy talking about? Someone please explain to me why this fellow feels in-Klein-ed to re-inform his readers every single fucking week as to what his definition of the word restaurant IS. We got it. You own a dictionary. "Nowadays it is a label affixed to restaurants that charge a lot of money." You see, my son, in the old days, fine dining restaurants were cheap, and expensive restaurants weren't 'fine dining'. Did I get that right? Someone please help me before my head explodes.

It turns out that Mr. Klein is reviewing Bourbon Steak, Michael Mina's new joint, which Victoria Eliott in the Herald has already declared the best place for meat in this area ever. So why do I even need Lee's humdrum suckup to another celebrity chef? VPE has the goods. And quite frankly, in just five words. And after reading LK's spurt-fest about $90 lobster dishes and $190 Kobe fillets, I had to laugh at his line about 'snortable-looking lines' of capers, onions, and the like. I realized why poor Lee always seems so befuddled about the food: He's been trying to put it up his nose. I think you need some bathroom lessons, my old friend.
Also,"the decor is striking...thousands of wine bottles stocked and showcased behind glass." The names of those 'thousands' of wines? The prices? The stuff that might pair well with your $64 Rib-Eye? Don't expect to get that info from Lee. Not ONE WORD about the wines. And please don't ask me. I'll be in the bathroom. Snorting cornichons.