Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hola OLA, Goodbye Dignity...

Sorry I've been away lately, but I've been busy gazing lovingly at 'red light' and Kris Wessel. Seriously, has every fucking blogger/foodie douche been to this place like ten times already and he hasn't even started serving a full menu? Jesus, who knew the food-writing scene could become even more pedestrian? And then you have the blogger photo of the 'Bacon and Eggs', but without the bacon (it's half the dish, for godsakes), because someone at the table doesn't eat bacon-then write about something else! Or the blogger who complains that everything there tastes like onions, but then admits he doesn't like onions? Maybe you shouldn't be writing publicly about food, zippy, if you don't like onions. Just write all about it in your letters to your mother. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you, anyway.


And that brings me to this week's installment of 'Lee Klein Sucks Celebrity Chef Ass', featuring Doug Rodriguez and OLA. I was wondering why Lee would choose to re-review this place, but then it seems that Rodriguez has been nominated for a James Beard Award. As Lee is already as far up Michele Bernstein's ass as he can get (she is also nominated), I guess he figures he'll take no chances and goes into overdrive Star-fucker mode, which includes gushing like a schoolgirl, of course. “So salmon suffused with yuzu and clementine juices, basil, chives, Thai chilies, and wasabi caviar could easily be mistaken for a plate of fucking diamonds god I love Doug Rodriguez!” (Actual line, “plate of salmon sashimi”.) And then, “Same goes for meaty slices of hamachi in a divine pool of pomelo-and-yellow tomato sauce, the whole thing refreshed with zesty lemon juice, jalapeƱo, and a small dazzling mirror on which to do the lines of Peruvian flake that are chopped up table side by the Chef himself!” (Cilantro.) Have some dignity, Lee-seph!
(More on the bathrooms (my favorite spot) at the Sanctuary, the hotel in which OLA is located, coming up soon on DailyCocaine).


Oh, and it's nice to see the New Times exhuming two-year-old reviews from Kleinie. Here's how they explain... “If you feel funny about plunking down big bucks for oxtail and plantains gussied up in the guise of Nuevo Latino, here are a couple of viejo Latino spots to consider.” I love this feature because you can see how badly Lee's writing has deteriorated over the years; and also because it reminds me of 'Culinary Cage Match' over at Miami.com, where expensive dishes go head-to-head with similar but cheaper ones, comparing quality and price, with the winner usually the less expensive item. But I guess it's just another homage....


Over in the Herald, Enrique Fernandez reviews a Spanish restaurant. Oh, Enrique, is there nothing you can't do? At least he mentions one wine, which is exactly one more than Klein (which rhymes with No Wine) does. But Enrique, my darling abuelo, if the kitchen is out of the 'fried rabbit from Navarra' that you wanted to taste, may I suggest that perhaps you return, and eat it on another occasion? You know, like a professional restaurant reviewer? I know it's tough, but that rabbit won't review itself. So put back on the cardigan, and make the trek. Probably want to visit the place more than once for a real professional review anyway, right? Right?


And I never thought I'd be writing about Linda Blandholm, but I just want to set the record straight: In her review of Kafa Cafe, she states that, “They took over the Midtown space that Uva had vacated for the Upper East Side...” Well I happen to be intimately familiar with that building, and there were two businesses in it before Kafa. One was Cane e Sucre, on the left, and the other was Stop Miami Wine & Tapas Bar, on the right. As the owner of Stop, I can tell you that the three years we were there have not been forgotten by any of our customers, so I will assume simple ignorance on her part. Cane e Sucre was gone for months before we left, incidentally (it was never called Uva, either). Also, there is no such neighborhood as 'Midtown'. There is a condo development called Midtown Miami, and there is a strip mall called the Shops at Midtown. There is Wynwood, Edgewater, Downtown, and even Overtown. But no Midtown. That is just some long-ago-absconded real estate jerk-off's wet dream. Not that I'm bitter....

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nah, you don't come off as bitter at all.

In the spirit of fair journalism, I thought I might point out some winners from your latest Sun Post column:

"pungency found in the spices of North Africa and southern Europe" Which spices, Dan? All of them? One? As you might know, a whole lot of spices are harvested between the northern and southern hemispheres of our fucking planet. Oh, and you may want to enlist an editor, because what you choose to capitalize and not capitalize seems awfully random.

"sweet ground-whitefish, sausage-like arrangement that is almost light, and the exact opposite of the sad and syrupy bottled versions of one's youth"

Hyphens, hyphens, everywhere a hyphen! God bless you, boy-o. What fish was that made with? Oh, whitefish. A distant cousin to blackfish, no doubt. Sausage-like... "like" a sausage, but not really. I understand, you don't want to step on a limb; it's dangerous out there.

"almost satiny" - What is that, velvet? I love velvet, especially on my ass (I have a lovely toilet seat cover. You'd DIE to sit on it.)

"Jewish soul food in the biblical sense." L'Chayam!

You're right, Dan, this is fun. You keep writing 'em, I'll keep reading 'em.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Thank you, anonymous commenter. Now I know I have at least two readers. One at the SunPost (you), and one here (you). I'm counting you twice because we're probably related. Care to come out of the closet, oh my brother?

Anonymous said...

OK douchy, you think restaurant reviewers shouldn't even DREAM about setting foot in a restaurant open less than three months? Since when does any business get a magical three- to six-month reprieve to "get their act together"? The theater? "Oh, I couldn't possibly review that Broadway play, let's give the actors another, I don't know, couple of months to practice their lines. Nightclub? "Can't go there yet, the poor bartenders haven't really mastered the difference between a Rob Roy and a chocotini." Let's give them a year or so to "work out the kinks" and while they're doing that we'll pay full price, in fact, we'll spend hundreds of dollars to watch them fuck up. They're so cute! Maybe this wonderful new boite, already gushing PR, will offer a discounted menu while their staff of cokeheads and drunks figures out that the salad fork goes on the left...er...right. Or then again we'll just not go there at all for half a year, cross our fingers and hope they'll still be in business by the time they've got their shit together next July. Let's encourage reviewers to sit this one out, so regular diners can do their busywork for them and hemorrhage their own bankrolls for the privilege of training some celeb-chef's addle-brained staff. thanks a bunch Dan!

30 Dogs 30 Days said...

You're welcome. And I agree, somewhat. Maybe waiting for a couple of months, or paying for meals, etc. isn't as important as simply getting it right.
Incidentally, on Broadway, there are 'previews', which are lower-priced, and pre-review performances. Maybe restaurateurs should do a month of low-priced 'previews' before they get reviewed?