...for Sunny Isles' Timo Restaurant and their secret admirer, Lee Klein of Miami New Times. Lee drools like a six-year-old schoolgirl who has just received a paper cut-out teddy bear from the most popular boy in second grade. His wide-eyed amazement that any restaurant can manage to maintain its standards for a whole five years, is innocent and adorable, especially considering how breathlessly he introduces his pucker-job. And by introduces, I mean fully half the review goes by before any food is mentioned. Not until the 558th word does he get into the food. I mean, this guy is so wordy he makes James Joyce look like the guy who writes Dilbert. Not much of it means anything, of course, unless you've never eaten in a restaurant, don't know what a restaurant is, or can't write your name in the ground with a stick. I look around and check the cover again. No, I'm not in a pediatrician's office, and no, it's not an issue of Highlights magazine. But let's try and find the hidden rabbit, anyway. “A long full-service bar takes up the restaurant's right side; a hearth oven set in stone occupies the rear left. [The floor is mostly down, under your feet, and the walls are on the outer edges, to make not walking into them that much easier.] The rest of the intimate space is a neat arrangement of brick, wood, glass mirrors, modern art, subtle curves, light earth tones, white linen cloths, and high ceilings with exposed beams.” Okay, maybe he could have gone on and on (you know, 'sparkling wine glasses, shiny cutlery, dreamy brown eyes'...sorry), maybe he was cutting it short, and maybe there's a lot more stuff he didn't describe Like the 'gleaming black bakelite toilet paper dispenser' in the freakin' bathroom.
Of course it is now time to explore the traditional 'wine sentence', this week doubled to two. Here it is in full. “And Timo touts a distinctive wine list, [Pretty informative. Good Start] although admittedly I base this judgement on it being composed mostly of labels I've never heard of. [Must be a LONG, motherfucking list.] Seriously, it's a distinguished list, [The waiter told me so, and so I called this guy I know on my cell phone, and told him, and he said, I know, I know, I heard, it's like, super-distinguished!] including about two dozen dessert wines by the glass.” Distinctive AND distinguished. Perhaps someone will one day expand upon that judgement, but it won't be now, and it won't be Lee. I though the next sentence might do it: “There are also a dozen smartly chosen cheeses (none have names but don't worry, they've been 'chosen', so shut the fuck up) to match with the wines...”, but then he goes on to another topic. Alas, it is not the 'organic, free-range' lecture we were promised last week, when Mr. Klein pompously chided his children, I mean restaurateurs: “Whether restaurants are serving organic produce and meats “...will be noted in future reviews of establishments that serve entrees of $30 or more.” Timo has main courses over $30. I guess Lee forgot about his big 'green' stand right after he wrote it. That's sticking to your guns. And I could have sworn Lee was whining just last week that we needed Il Mulino to shut up those bitchy “...New Yorkers who complain about a lack of quality Italian food in this city.” I guess Lee forgot he was giving a glowing review to another Italian restaurant this week, too.
But I know that you're probably thinking, like that crazy You Tube character screamed about Brittany, “Just leave Lee and his new BFF alone! Leave Lee alone!” And you're right. After all, if he wants to sweep back his pigtails and shuffle his Buster Browns, who am I to interfere. It's just a schoolgirl crush.