Large Newspaper Notices Bloggers...Again

Does the Herald get a nickel every time it puts a reader to sleep? I mean, this paper is more effective than ambien. Thanks to them, I've finally found something more boring than reading people's food blogs-reading about the bloggers themselves. And don't they look cute typing away on their magically disconnected keyboard, reclining in bed, with a stupid sandwich next to them, as though they're eating while they type, how clever.


Poor reporter Jaweed Kaleem doesn't know anything about food, is on the job 6 months god bless him and is probably getting paid a similar amount to what I make typing right now. Never heard of Jean-Louis Palladin? Here's the actual quote, “Some years ago, when I lived in DC, I had the good fortune of knowing Jean-Louis Palladin, who opened Jean Louis at the Watergate- a seminal restaurant that basically rewrote the books on fine dining in the US. Many current chefs site him as a major influence, including Eric Ripert, Daniel Boulud, and Miami's own Michelle Bernstein. I had a good friend who worked the line with him. Watching him cook was a revelation. Every single plate got his attention before it went out, and to watch him bent over making sure everything was meticulously perfect, made me understand that cooking could encompass great artistry.”


A little high-brow, perhaps, but a nice background to give the reader an idea that the blogger isn't just some unemployed chronic masturbator, with no professional insight or experience. Never made it. Doesn't surprise me, it takes a little food industry knowledge and experience to plow through that.. Probably shouldn't have brought it up. One of the most influential chefs in the American restaurant industry, and the writer assigned by the Herald draws a blank. I don't blame him-everyone should try something new. Hell, I've covered the World Orchid Conference. But that's the problem here in the food-writing game-having a blank slate is considered a good thing. Don't want to confuse our poor, barely literate readers. Wouldn't it be great if newspapers, instead of writing down to the lowest intellectual level possible, wrote to the higher level, and educated and informed? I guess that's probably too much to ask when it comes to a piece on food-bloggers, especially that smug douche on his 'scooter' (jeez), who states, “You have to be a little brave and adventurous, but I believe it's worth it.'' Thanks for not scaring us too much. What did you eat, more liver? Oooooh!



Just for grins, and because I've been burned before, I asked the Herald reporter about HIS background. He stated in an email “I've lived here 6 months. I don't have an extensive food industry background, but I usually do not write for the food section and do not write reviews,” Mr. Kaleem emailed me. Don't sweat it my man, you're doing fine. Give it another six months and you'll be replacing Enrique Fernandez.


Oh...and a big thank you to Fred Tasker, wine writer for the Herald, for his piece on Brunello, exactly ONE WEEK after mine... http://www.miamisunpost.com/013108bites.htm Of course I interviewed Count Cinzano at his Col d'Orcia estate in Italy (he was there, I was here, lucky for him), not some faceless 'spokesmen'. The Count is the head of the entire Brunello Consortium, and that is his picture that graces the article. I'm not sure if that is Fred in the picture accompanying his column, but if so, Fred, keep that damn bird away from your hair, man! It looks hungry...

Part One...Valentine's Day Comes A Week Early...

...for Sunny Isles' Timo Restaurant and their secret admirer, Lee Klein of Miami New Times. Lee drools like a six-year-old schoolgirl who has just received a paper cut-out teddy bear from the most popular boy in second grade. His wide-eyed amazement that any restaurant can manage to maintain its standards for a whole five years, is innocent and adorable, especially considering how breathlessly he introduces his pucker-job. And by introduces, I mean fully half the review goes by before any food is mentioned. Not until the 558th word does he get into the food. I mean, this guy is so wordy he makes James Joyce look like the guy who writes Dilbert. Not much of it means anything, of course, unless you've never eaten in a restaurant, don't know what a restaurant is, or can't write your name in the ground with a stick. I look around and check the cover again. No, I'm not in a pediatrician's office, and no, it's not an issue of Highlights magazine. But let's try and find the hidden rabbit, anyway. “A long full-service bar takes up the restaurant's right side; a hearth oven set in stone occupies the rear left. [The floor is mostly down, under your feet, and the walls are on the outer edges, to make not walking into them that much easier.] The rest of the intimate space is a neat arrangement of brick, wood, glass mirrors, modern art, subtle curves, light earth tones, white linen cloths, and high ceilings with exposed beams.” Okay, maybe he could have gone on and on (you know, 'sparkling wine glasses, shiny cutlery, dreamy brown eyes'...sorry), maybe he was cutting it short, and maybe there's a lot more stuff he didn't describe Like the 'gleaming black bakelite toilet paper dispenser' in the freakin' bathroom.
Of course it is now time to explore the traditional 'wine sentence', this week doubled to two. Here it is in full. “And Timo touts a distinctive wine list, [Pretty informative. Good Start] although admittedly I base this judgement on it being composed mostly of labels I've never heard of. [Must be a LONG, motherfucking list.] Seriously, it's a distinguished list, [The waiter told me so, and so I called this guy I know on my cell phone, and told him, and he said, I know, I know, I heard, it's like, super-distinguished!] including about two dozen dessert wines by the glass.” Distinctive AND distinguished. Perhaps someone will one day expand upon that judgement, but it won't be now, and it won't be Lee. I though the next sentence might do it: “There are also a dozen smartly chosen cheeses (none have names but don't worry, they've been 'chosen', so shut the fuck up) to match with the wines...”, but then he goes on to another topic. Alas, it is not the 'organic, free-range' lecture we were promised last week, when Mr. Klein pompously chided his children, I mean restaurateurs: “Whether restaurants are serving organic produce and meats “...will be noted in future reviews of establishments that serve entrees of $30 or more.” Timo has main courses over $30. I guess Lee forgot about his big 'green' stand right after he wrote it. That's sticking to your guns. And I could have sworn Lee was whining just last week that we needed Il Mulino to shut up those bitchy “...New Yorkers who complain about a lack of quality Italian food in this city.” I guess Lee forgot he was giving a glowing review to another Italian restaurant this week, too.
But I know that you're probably thinking, like that crazy You Tube character screamed about Brittany, “Just leave Lee and his new BFF alone! Leave Lee alone!” And you're right. After all, if he wants to sweep back his pigtails and shuffle his Buster Browns, who am I to interfere. It's just a schoolgirl crush.

Cheery and Chatty, The Lesser Known Dwarves.

When I first started this thing way back in the heady days of mid-January, I stated that I would not give credit where credit is due; that I would leave that to the foodie sycophants and apologists out there. You know who you are. Well, I guess I have to take a step back and humbly admit that I was wrong not to want to give credit; and that I can not go another day without giving credit to a job well done, and a tip of the hat to, well, to....ME. I have to say that, perhaps, after all my obnoxious heckling from the balcony, there was at least an attempt by VPE in the Herald this week, in her valentine to Cantina 27, to expand the traditional 'wine sentence'. To three sentences. But my pat-on-my-own back was short-lived. The last of the three sentences reads, “Many of the wineries represented are little-known here, but the knowledgeable staff is happy to help.” Oh, they're happy to help. How delightful of them! Perhaps they might be helpful in other matters, as well? I can't wait to meet them. And I believe, in reality, that when VPE says the wines are little-known here, she means BY HER. No point in helping us morons out by mentioning any of them except two, one of which is the “rare and intriguing 1999 [a vintage year! Yeaaaaaa!} Brunello di Montalcino.” “Rare and intriguing.” Translation: Never Tasted It.
There was “perky arugula” and “perky fennel and arugula” in back-to-back sentences. Apparently Sally Fields works here. And there are “friendly owners.” I guess that means they tied her bib for her. Incidentally, in the next-to-last paragraph (when the decor's to her liking it comes up at the beginning of her column. Odd.), she mentions that the place is separated from the notorious crap-hole The Office, and its “noisy bar”, by a curtain. “Worse,” she goes on, “the bathrooms the two businesses share are foul.” Maybe someone could educate the “knowledgeable staff” about the business end of a mop?
But VPE saves the best for the next, and last sentence. “Still, this delightful neighborhood joint just steps from the beach would be just as appealing for the family as for a first date.” Noisy and foul. Not sure my family'd appreciate that kind of ambience. Maybe a family of bounty hunters? And a first date? I guess that means that at least the condom machine in the bathroom is working. Oh, and this week? *** means 'very good'. Again, thank me.

Lee K. of the New Times calls out New Yorkers in another in his endless, over-the-top gabfests (sue me); this one about the best Italian restaurant Lee's ever known, Il Gabbiano. Isn't it funny that Lee likes to get tough with New Yorkers so that he can then kiss the ass of OTHER New Yorkers? This man has some complexes. And for a restaurant that Lee claims will “...stop those whiny...New York refugees from complaining about a lack of quality Italian food in this city,” isn't he troubled that the first thing he orders takes forty minutes to NOT arrive? (And I'm sorry, isn't Klein from New York? I guess he only whines on paper.) It seems that half the dishes Mr. Klein orders here never arrive, or don't exist. Cool! Think of the calories you save. He doesn't seem to mind, though, because the pastas “...are all good.” At least the two he describes. I suppose he could divine that the others were good. (Or maybe he meant they were 'all good', as in 'Yo, it's all good, homey.' He's your hip, urban uncle now.) And how about all those poor non-New Yorkers here in Miami. Doesn't Lee think maybe they would like to see great Italian here; and that they too have been clamoring for such for years? I say Thank God for those discerning New Yorkers finally getting Lee's attention. Too bad for the rest of us.
The Branzino special is $48. The dover sole is “presumably ...at least $10 more.” He says presumably, because god help the poor man to ask a fucking question. I guess the journalist in Lee died a long time ago. But now Lee is on this whole 'green' thing all the kids are talking about. He'll stay relevant that way. (Works for me.) My guess is someone finally made Lee read Omnivore's Dilemma after two years. Maybe it was his “dining companion/osso buco enthusiast” (wait...is Lee employing a food-taster now?) Although I'm pretty sure the poor, abused calves, ripped from their mothers to be tortured and have their flesh made into veal (osso buco is veal shank, baby), probably wish he would re-read a couple of chapters. And like your sweet old grandfather, who just discovered something everyone else has known about for years, he can't stop talking about it. Whether restaurants are serving organic produce and meats “...will be noted in future reviews of establishments that serve entrees of $30 or more.” Wow, this guy can get tough...every other sentence (and I guess not in this review. Because it's about some New Yorkers. The good kind. The kind's whose asses he puckers up to.)
We got it man. You read a book. So I guess all those past paeans to foie gras, etc., etc., were all a mistake? Thanks for getting on the bandwagon two years too late.
I'm not going to say anything about the following 'wine sentence': “A worthy Barolo, though, doesn't come cheap ($80 for an Alba to $250 for a Gaja).” There is so much wrong there that I just want to cry. I'll leave it to my fellow wine-geeks to roll their eyes and type in why. And anyway, my constant companion just cooked up some tasty Chilean Sea Bass (above). To quote the Greek poet Leemus Kleinus, who once walked the earth and beheld a poached pear, it is a “vision to behold.”

And, one last thing. Why, you may ask, do both major dining critics in Miami bring up NYC in the same week? Maybe they hear the sirens calling. I say go, my children, fly up to the Big Apple and disappear like the muck in the gutter. We will mourn you; but we will carry on.