The SoBe drunkfest broke a lot of hearts, so let's just get to it, and try to move on to bigger and better things, oh my little brothers and sisters. 'Celebri-chefs Talk Favorite Restaurants', says the Miami Herald. Okay. Anthony Bourdain may "prefer San Loco for burritos", but the place has been called 'T-Mex' for a couple of months. Wouldn't expect an out-of-towner to know that, of course, but a local food writer ought to. Was that from an interview, or, as I'm guessing (since there aren't any quotation marks), just something culled from his writings/TV shows? It wouldn't hurt to ask, you know. Incidentally, great photo of Bourdain to lead the article. How did they get a a six-year old copy of 'A Cook's Tour' to stand still for a photo? At least they could have used a more recent book jacket, or, I don't know, maybe an actual photo of the guy. He was JUST HERE. I guess they wanted to make sure they somehow shoehorned in the 'Food Network' logo on the cover.
Speaking of whoring, according to the Herald's Sobe W$FF blogger, the idea of having 'Viva' paper towels at the tasting booths, to wipe your hands, of all things, was so amazing! By the way, Viva Paper Towels was a sponsor, bubba. Yeah, even us uncivilizied gorillas in Miami occasionally use napkins, plates, cutlery, and especially spoons (often to eat) when we're around company.
Then Tyler Florence has this insightful quote:"Casa Tua is one of the sexiest restaurants in the country. It's fantastic." Better than Applebee's? Sexier than a waitress named Merrilee? I guess he means when someone else is paying.
Bobby Flay loves Joe's Stone Crab. Hmmmm. I'm drawing a blank.
Jamie Oliver loves Michael's Genuine. Who exactly is Michael Schwartz sleeping with? 'Nuff said.
Let's move on, to another tutorial from Professor Klein, in the New Times, in which he defines 'fine dining' as something that "once conjured images of elegant salons, white-glove service, and the type of meal you would never, and could never, cook at home." Now I must humbly ask you, gentle reader, What the fuck is this guy talking about? Someone please explain to me why this fellow feels in-Klein-ed to re-inform his readers every single fucking week as to what his definition of the word restaurant IS. We got it. You own a dictionary. "Nowadays it is a label affixed to restaurants that charge a lot of money." You see, my son, in the old days, fine dining restaurants were cheap, and expensive restaurants weren't 'fine dining'. Did I get that right? Someone please help me before my head explodes.
It turns out that Mr. Klein is reviewing Bourbon Steak, Michael Mina's new joint, which Victoria Eliott in the Herald has already declared the best place for meat in this area ever. So why do I even need Lee's humdrum suckup to another celebrity chef? VPE has the goods. And quite frankly, in just five words. And after reading LK's spurt-fest about $90 lobster dishes and $190 Kobe fillets, I had to laugh at his line about 'snortable-looking lines' of capers, onions, and the like. I realized why poor Lee always seems so befuddled about the food: He's been trying to put it up his nose. I think you need some bathroom lessons, my old friend.
Also,"the decor is striking...thousands of wine bottles stocked and showcased behind glass." The names of those 'thousands' of wines? The prices? The stuff that might pair well with your $64 Rib-Eye? Don't expect to get that info from Lee. Not ONE WORD about the wines. And please don't ask me. I'll be in the bathroom. Snorting cornichons.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Not As Easy As It Looks....well, maybe...
Sure. Write whatever you want. Be Funny. Bitter. Combative. Sounds like fun, no? To spew out bile and to cast aspersions on some well-read shnooks week in, week out. Well, it IS fun, except for one thing, zippy: you have to READ the damn shnooks every week, just like every other poor soul in this town. No days off here, no reprieve from the bad jokes and twisted metaphors, and no way to avoid wanting to slit your wrists at the mention of Lee Klein's “observation”, that is really just a recitation of facts (as in, I 'observed' that someone else did some research and I read it, and then I'm spewing it back at you as an 'observation'), and somehow shoehorn-ing in the name of his “cute cat”. What did poor 'Yani' ever do to him? Maybe that's where the guy gets his inspiration, from watching his cat clean its anus. So now I'm attacking a defenseless cat? No letters, please.
It's a thin week, due to the Sobe Wine & Food Clusterfuck, sponsored by every motherfucker under the sun, but at least Lee got the good 'get', as we say in the biz: Randy Fisher AND Barry Gump. Holy shit. That's almost as exciting as his droll interview with Michelle Bernstein, where she states, and Lee doesn't contest, that she's “really always at Michy's.” (Not last Thursday.) But then why let the facts get in the way of a good story? Incidentally, if you do a search on the New Times website for 'Michelle Bernstein', you'll find 39 articles. Maybe they ought to take their collective heads out of the chef's ass for five minutes.
But let's get back to Fisher & Gump, two highly sought-after dinner speakers on the lucrative Food Network World Tour who, oh, who fucking cares. I never heard of them either. Who watches the Food Network, anyway? I mean other than middle-aged lonelyhearts, like the entire Miami Herald food section. (Or as I like to call them, The Four Lindas.) The two guys are actually an event manager and a professor. Wake up! But getting back to the SW&FC, who in their right mind pays $150 to eat a burger? I know what you're thinking. Rich douchebags? Star-struck Oprah-watchers who would pay anything to get a glimpse of Rachel Ray in the flesh? Ooh, that just gave me goosebumps.
Speaking of rich douchebags, here's something from the Herald's wine writer, Fred Tasker. “Sick of hearing about the South Beach Wine and Food Festival?” Well, here's Fred's solution. Just dine “any time Thursday through Sunday at La Marea restaurant, which “presents a seven-course meal for $250 each, or $350 with wine pairings.” You know, not all rich people are douchebags, and not all douchebags are rich (Dylan said that). But I have a feeling that if you're paying nearly $900 for a dinner for two on South Beach, you're probably both.
Oh, and I really love all the profiles of Dylan (my daddy's Ralph) Lauren. Especially her quote that "people really respond to candy." Deep. But writer Ben Torter of the Miami SunPost gets a little weird, with his breathless, "Lauren’s enthusiasm for life and for candy is contagious even over the phone — so much so that it’s easy to forget that you’re talking to a sophisticated 33-year-old woman." Is it really that easy? Does he mean forget you're talking to an adult, and maybe pretending she was a cute little schoolgirl? Freakin perv. Was this being typed with one hand, perhaps? It's candy. Easy fella.
If you need me, I'll be at the bar, with all the other adults.
It's a thin week, due to the Sobe Wine & Food Clusterfuck, sponsored by every motherfucker under the sun, but at least Lee got the good 'get', as we say in the biz: Randy Fisher AND Barry Gump. Holy shit. That's almost as exciting as his droll interview with Michelle Bernstein, where she states, and Lee doesn't contest, that she's “really always at Michy's.” (Not last Thursday.) But then why let the facts get in the way of a good story? Incidentally, if you do a search on the New Times website for 'Michelle Bernstein', you'll find 39 articles. Maybe they ought to take their collective heads out of the chef's ass for five minutes.
But let's get back to Fisher & Gump, two highly sought-after dinner speakers on the lucrative Food Network World Tour who, oh, who fucking cares. I never heard of them either. Who watches the Food Network, anyway? I mean other than middle-aged lonelyhearts, like the entire Miami Herald food section. (Or as I like to call them, The Four Lindas.) The two guys are actually an event manager and a professor. Wake up! But getting back to the SW&FC, who in their right mind pays $150 to eat a burger? I know what you're thinking. Rich douchebags? Star-struck Oprah-watchers who would pay anything to get a glimpse of Rachel Ray in the flesh? Ooh, that just gave me goosebumps.
Speaking of rich douchebags, here's something from the Herald's wine writer, Fred Tasker. “Sick of hearing about the South Beach Wine and Food Festival?” Well, here's Fred's solution. Just dine “any time Thursday through Sunday at La Marea restaurant, which “presents a seven-course meal for $250 each, or $350 with wine pairings.” You know, not all rich people are douchebags, and not all douchebags are rich (Dylan said that). But I have a feeling that if you're paying nearly $900 for a dinner for two on South Beach, you're probably both.
Oh, and I really love all the profiles of Dylan (my daddy's Ralph) Lauren. Especially her quote that "people really respond to candy." Deep. But writer Ben Torter of the Miami SunPost gets a little weird, with his breathless, "Lauren’s enthusiasm for life and for candy is contagious even over the phone — so much so that it’s easy to forget that you’re talking to a sophisticated 33-year-old woman." Is it really that easy? Does he mean forget you're talking to an adult, and maybe pretending she was a cute little schoolgirl? Freakin perv. Was this being typed with one hand, perhaps? It's candy. Easy fella.
If you need me, I'll be at the bar, with all the other adults.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Don't Point That Thing at Me...
Not to beat a dead horse, but one last thing about last week's Herald article on food bloggers. I spoke with the editor of the Miami Herald Food Section last Thursday. She called me, actually, in a bold and, I thought, touching move, to take the bullet for her reporter. My complaint was never with the reporter personally, only that he had been assigned a topic about which he obviously knew nothing, and perhaps that led to the superficiality of the piece. So I agree with her, she gets the lion's share of the blame. Her contention was that he's 22, and online all day, so therefore he knows all about blogs. My response was two-fold. First, I'm 53 and I'M online all day. EVERYONE is online all day. Even old Fred Tasker, the Taskmaster, wine columnist and old fart (he's gotta be older than me) has a freakin blog now. That's why TV and Newspapers are dying (not because of Fred, I mean the other thing....Or do I?). Second, would any other section of the paper hire a complete novice to cover a subject like, political blogs? Sports blogs? Gaming blogs? I don't think so. And that is, and always has been my problem with the local newspapers' food sections-they simply don't take their audiences seriously, and treat us like morons. Same old same old, week in, week out.
You know, I was at trade-and-press wine seminars and tastings the last two days, and I can tell you-everyone I spoke to echoed my sentiments. Young, old, male, female. They may not say it for publication, but the disappointment and disillusionment with the food writing establishment here is widespread. Does the press even know who their audience is, anymore?
One last irony, then I'll get on to slamming Wee Klein. The food editor thanked me for pointing out Mark Gibson's BBQ, on NW 46th St and 2nd Ave., and said, “Thanks to your blog, and JD's article, we all went there for ribs and it was great.” First let me say that anyone who ventures to Mark's rib spot deserves praise. And I'm glad he's getting the business. But the funny thing is, I first wrote about this particular rib guy last summer, for miami.com, the Herald's own online website http://beta.miami.com/ Perhaps it's time for the food editor at the Herald to get online herself.
The Miami New Times Restaurant Critic Lee Klein may or may not be a good writer; he may or may not be a good restaurant reviewer, wheezing with delightful alliteration and clever puns, but one thing of which we can all be certain, is that he is a hypocrite. In his latest pompous installment of why he's a superior being, he claims, after not reviewing the rabbit dish at Brosia, “Rabbit stifado, with feta cheese, walnuts, and pearl onions, is the most distinctive menu item, but with apologies to those curious about this dish: I don't eat bunny.” Isn't that why you have dining companions? Isn't that who ate the 'endangered' Chilean Sea Bass a couple of weeks ago? Does this guy realize he's a fucking food critic? Who extols foie gras, one of the cruelest foods on earth, as well as veal? I eat both, but then I choke down everything. Especially when I'm at a restaurant with only seven entrees. That I'm REVIEWING. If you don't eat rabbit, maybe you should find another line of work, pal. Go to work for Vegetarian Times, maybe, reviewing the latest sprout sandwich and wheat grass juice smoothie. He doesn't eat bunny? How about the poor little lamb, or the veal calf, or the unborn quails, or the little quack-quack swimming on the pond? And I'm called the douche?
This guy uses the flaccid metaphor of the flag at Iwo Jima twice in one review. Is he running out of tedious puns, already? It wasn't funny the first time. And stop saying 'plated'. We got it, you know someone in the food business.
I'm so amused by this braying ass that I won't even get into my pet peeves-no mention of the wine list at all, reviewing a restaurant that hasn't even been open three months (it's just not enough time to work out the kinks/see which menu items work/shake out the staff/get rid of the losers, bad cooks, alkies, cokeheads, etc), and then slamming it. What's the point? Unless you just like to swing your big balls around. Iwo Jima? Peter, Paul and Mary? What century is this guy living in?
Incidentally, aside from the rabbit no-show, these are the descriptors Lee uses for the food at Brosia.
'Unremarkable' spears of toast...” No critique of the actual dish containing them.
Chicken was 'partially raw'.
After said chicken came back from the kitchen, it 'impressed'.
Pappardelle was 'toothsome'
Greek Salad is 'tweaked'
Duck leg is 'crisp'
New York Strip is 'paired'.
That is the sum total. Guess he ran out of adjectives drooling over Timo.
(Also didn't like the baklava (who does?), doesn't rate the other three desserts, and hates the sangria-wait-he mentioned wine! I take it all back...)
One question. Did this guy actually eat here? Or did he sleep through the meal? We know he went to the bathroom, because “...I was in the restroom and out of necessity drying my hands with toilet paper.” May I suggest you aim for the urinal next time?
And how about that douche over at the Sun Post? http://miamisunpost.com/021308bites.htm Whatever he's on, I want some of that. Oh wait, here it is. Never mind.
You know, I was at trade-and-press wine seminars and tastings the last two days, and I can tell you-everyone I spoke to echoed my sentiments. Young, old, male, female. They may not say it for publication, but the disappointment and disillusionment with the food writing establishment here is widespread. Does the press even know who their audience is, anymore?
One last irony, then I'll get on to slamming Wee Klein. The food editor thanked me for pointing out Mark Gibson's BBQ, on NW 46th St and 2nd Ave., and said, “Thanks to your blog, and JD's article, we all went there for ribs and it was great.” First let me say that anyone who ventures to Mark's rib spot deserves praise. And I'm glad he's getting the business. But the funny thing is, I first wrote about this particular rib guy last summer, for miami.com, the Herald's own online website http://beta.miami.com/ Perhaps it's time for the food editor at the Herald to get online herself.
The Miami New Times Restaurant Critic Lee Klein may or may not be a good writer; he may or may not be a good restaurant reviewer, wheezing with delightful alliteration and clever puns, but one thing of which we can all be certain, is that he is a hypocrite. In his latest pompous installment of why he's a superior being, he claims, after not reviewing the rabbit dish at Brosia, “Rabbit stifado, with feta cheese, walnuts, and pearl onions, is the most distinctive menu item, but with apologies to those curious about this dish: I don't eat bunny.” Isn't that why you have dining companions? Isn't that who ate the 'endangered' Chilean Sea Bass a couple of weeks ago? Does this guy realize he's a fucking food critic? Who extols foie gras, one of the cruelest foods on earth, as well as veal? I eat both, but then I choke down everything. Especially when I'm at a restaurant with only seven entrees. That I'm REVIEWING. If you don't eat rabbit, maybe you should find another line of work, pal. Go to work for Vegetarian Times, maybe, reviewing the latest sprout sandwich and wheat grass juice smoothie. He doesn't eat bunny? How about the poor little lamb, or the veal calf, or the unborn quails, or the little quack-quack swimming on the pond? And I'm called the douche?
This guy uses the flaccid metaphor of the flag at Iwo Jima twice in one review. Is he running out of tedious puns, already? It wasn't funny the first time. And stop saying 'plated'. We got it, you know someone in the food business.
I'm so amused by this braying ass that I won't even get into my pet peeves-no mention of the wine list at all, reviewing a restaurant that hasn't even been open three months (it's just not enough time to work out the kinks/see which menu items work/shake out the staff/get rid of the losers, bad cooks, alkies, cokeheads, etc), and then slamming it. What's the point? Unless you just like to swing your big balls around. Iwo Jima? Peter, Paul and Mary? What century is this guy living in?
Incidentally, aside from the rabbit no-show, these are the descriptors Lee uses for the food at Brosia.
'Unremarkable' spears of toast...” No critique of the actual dish containing them.
Chicken was 'partially raw'.
After said chicken came back from the kitchen, it 'impressed'.
Pappardelle was 'toothsome'
Greek Salad is 'tweaked'
Duck leg is 'crisp'
New York Strip is 'paired'.
That is the sum total. Guess he ran out of adjectives drooling over Timo.
(Also didn't like the baklava (who does?), doesn't rate the other three desserts, and hates the sangria-wait-he mentioned wine! I take it all back...)
One question. Did this guy actually eat here? Or did he sleep through the meal? We know he went to the bathroom, because “...I was in the restroom and out of necessity drying my hands with toilet paper.” May I suggest you aim for the urinal next time?
And how about that douche over at the Sun Post? http://miamisunpost.com/021308bites.htm Whatever he's on, I want some of that. Oh wait, here it is. Never mind.
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