Sure. Write whatever you want. Be Funny. Bitter. Combative. Sounds like fun, no? To spew out bile and to cast aspersions on some well-read shnooks week in, week out. Well, it IS fun, except for one thing, zippy: you have to READ the damn shnooks every week, just like every other poor soul in this town. No days off here, no reprieve from the bad jokes and twisted metaphors, and no way to avoid wanting to slit your wrists at the mention of Lee Klein's “observation”, that is really just a recitation of facts (as in, I 'observed' that someone else did some research and I read it, and then I'm spewing it back at you as an 'observation'), and somehow shoehorn-ing in the name of his “cute cat”. What did poor 'Yani' ever do to him? Maybe that's where the guy gets his inspiration, from watching his cat clean its anus. So now I'm attacking a defenseless cat? No letters, please.
It's a thin week, due to the Sobe Wine & Food Clusterfuck, sponsored by every motherfucker under the sun, but at least Lee got the good 'get', as we say in the biz: Randy Fisher AND Barry Gump. Holy shit. That's almost as exciting as his droll interview with Michelle Bernstein, where she states, and Lee doesn't contest, that she's “really always at Michy's.” (Not last Thursday.) But then why let the facts get in the way of a good story? Incidentally, if you do a search on the New Times website for 'Michelle Bernstein', you'll find 39 articles. Maybe they ought to take their collective heads out of the chef's ass for five minutes.
But let's get back to Fisher & Gump, two highly sought-after dinner speakers on the lucrative Food Network World Tour who, oh, who fucking cares. I never heard of them either. Who watches the Food Network, anyway? I mean other than middle-aged lonelyhearts, like the entire Miami Herald food section. (Or as I like to call them, The Four Lindas.) The two guys are actually an event manager and a professor. Wake up! But getting back to the SW&FC, who in their right mind pays $150 to eat a burger? I know what you're thinking. Rich douchebags? Star-struck Oprah-watchers who would pay anything to get a glimpse of Rachel Ray in the flesh? Ooh, that just gave me goosebumps.
Speaking of rich douchebags, here's something from the Herald's wine writer, Fred Tasker. “Sick of hearing about the South Beach Wine and Food Festival?” Well, here's Fred's solution. Just dine “any time Thursday through Sunday at La Marea restaurant, which “presents a seven-course meal for $250 each, or $350 with wine pairings.” You know, not all rich people are douchebags, and not all douchebags are rich (Dylan said that). But I have a feeling that if you're paying nearly $900 for a dinner for two on South Beach, you're probably both.
Oh, and I really love all the profiles of Dylan (my daddy's Ralph) Lauren. Especially her quote that "people really respond to candy." Deep. But writer Ben Torter of the Miami SunPost gets a little weird, with his breathless, "Lauren’s enthusiasm for life and for candy is contagious even over the phone — so much so that it’s easy to forget that you’re talking to a sophisticated 33-year-old woman." Is it really that easy? Does he mean forget you're talking to an adult, and maybe pretending she was a cute little schoolgirl? Freakin perv. Was this being typed with one hand, perhaps? It's candy. Easy fella.
If you need me, I'll be at the bar, with all the other adults.