Friday, March 14, 2008

Local Daily Laughs in the Face of Death....(Updated)

In an homage to the 'Car Bomb', the whimsically-named Irish cocktail that the wacky Miami Herald editors supposed was a great idea to promote for St. Patrick's Day I'd like to add a few 'Holiday Cocktails' of my own, which also commemorate the loss of life and limb of innocents; not just in Ireland, but across the globe. Here are the holidays and the drinks that make bloody death such a hoot!

EID-The Osama
This is a non-alcoholic drink, of course, in honor of the festival at the end of Ramadan. Add some pomegranate juice to ice in a large glass and stir 'like crazy' (it's okay if you spill some). Top with some liquid smoke, and decorate with twin 'towering' flaming sparklers. This drink always kills!

Manischewitz Concord Grape Juice, a bissel Schnapps, garnish with a falafel ball on a toothpick. Let flavors mingle for a while until they 'explode'!

CARNAVAL IN HAVANA-The (Dead) Cuba(n) Libre
Moonshine Rum. Lime to (kill the) taste. Drink while floating on a door. In Argentina they call this the 'General', and believe me, this one will get you so drunk it will make you feel as though you've 'disappeared'!

An update of the classic, but along with Coke, you use 'coke'. And it goes up your nose. Like the bubbles from Coke. For the 'real thing', garnish with a crushed-up Roofie. This one will definitely have you, as the kids say, 'filing a police report'!

CHINESE NEW YEAR-The Tibetan Titty
Let some rice wine 'intrude' upon some rose petals in a shaker, then pour into a tall glass of 'India'!

Basically, a really fucking enormous 'Sake Bomb'!

JEWISH NEW YEAR 5768-The Holocaust Sunrise
Same as a Tequila Sunrise, except delightfully administered as an enema, by Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS!

Have a great holiday, and don't forget to kill or maim someone!

Elsewhere this week, Enrique Fernandez 'reviews' three spots on Key Biscayne, including an outlet of the Venezuelan chain, Don Pan. Now it's bad enough that the Herald is spending highly-limited, super-visible newspaper space on some crummy chain, but at least he could have taken the time to describe the “South American nation's version of a country breakfast”, perhaps with all the loving (and correct) terms he uses to describe Cuban cuisine, instead of blandly calling it “beans, braised meat, farmer's cheese and arepa”. Could he possibly mean Pabellón? Are they black beans? Is the “braised meat” Carne Mechada? Wait. Braised meat? Does he mean beef? And farmer's cheese? Is that Queso Guayanés? I could be wrong. But it just goes to show that, as I've said many times before, just speaking Spanish does not make one an expert on every culture that does so. Especially when it comes to food. I would love to see the Herald describe a dish as “shredded flank steak in a tomato sauce base” instead of Ropa Vieja, or “a big pile of ground beef” instead of Picadillo.
“Braised meat”. Enrique, you slay me.

Speaking of chains, and fools, here comes Lee Klein in the Miami New Times reviewing a restaurant that has not even been open a month! And that is supposedly the first in a chain. What is the fucking hurry? And who gives a shit? And almost 1300 words to tell us that this place is mediocre? I have to admit it, it took me two days to finish this review, and that's with about an entire bottle of Visine, as well as copious amounts of mind-alter-ers (sometimes booze is not enough). If I could have scraped my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon, I would have. But I have a duty here, and that is to tell you that Mr. Lee has finally devoted an entire paragraph in a review to beverages. That's the good news. The bad news? The wine-list is “user-friendly” according to Kleinie (I guess that means it's in English). Doesn't bother mentioning any names, though. That might be TOO user-friendly for Lee's readers. “Some 16 sakes are offered”, but other than the $120 bottle of Akitabare Suirakuten, he doesn't mention any. Is that one a good value, by the way, you may ask? You'll never know from the review. At least he mentions the beers this time.

Oh, and Lee? We're getting really tired of your 'dining companions' and their lame opinions. Especially when you contradict them, and then yourself (well, I guess we can both agree that you're often wrong), in the same paragraph:
"Why put jalapeño with hamachi?" asked one of my dinner mates, who is admittedly a cynic in regard to such contemporary fusings. [Just a side note-I believe Nobu has been doing a Hamachi Jalapeno dish for over 20 years-Lee (and his wayward dining companions) REALLY needs to get out more.] "What good can it possibly bring to the fish?" His point, well taken, was provoked by an "envy" roll that included those two ingredients with rice, cilantro, and avocado, the whole thing wrapped teardrop-shaped in pale green soy paper. It is true the subtle, buttery [Everything's 'buttery' to this guy.] aspects of hamachi can only be obscured, not enhanced, by such a partnering, but in this case the kitchen's consistently timid hand worked to its advantage: The chili was applied so parsimoniously that the hamachi was able to shine.”

So then it was good....Right? God, gimme that fuckin spoon...

(Update on New York pizza from last week-had a chance to stop at Primo Pizza and it was exactly the opposite of how Leo "The Lip" described it-it was actually a thin, foldable slice, with not too much cheese, and thoroughly mediocre. Which makes his oddly glowing review even more incomprehensible. Unless, as has been suggested, he had had a few too many next door at The Room.)


sara said...

Dude, you should totally moonlight as a mixologist!

Anonymous said...

You went on a creative spurt there. :)